myjourney2healthy











{October 19, 2012}   I feel like I am drowning…

I wrote a whole post, and for whatever reason it did not post. I yelled. So loudly. My throat hurts. I feel like everything and everyone is against me and I am slowly drowning. I am being tested and I don’t feel like I am passing. I have been through so much in my life, and I have always been the ‘cup is half full’ person. I am not sure what is happening to me.

If you have been following my journey, you will know that I have done well and have lost weight, I am now down 24lbs…..but today this is not about that.

At the moment for the first time, my divorce is bringing me down.  I even went into my divorce in a positive way beleive it or not, I beleived we could be the ‘modern family’ and be friends. Before the summer, I went to an ice cream parlour with my mother in law and explained that I had gotten a lawyer, however I wanted this divorce to be amicable. Even though my husband had been unfaithful to me since day one, I was not going to make that an issue. I didnt want my daughter to suffer. It was vital, that there was peace, so we agreed and as I discussed this with my husband that day too – we went on to have a summer going to the beach together. It was not easy on me but I did it…we went to the zoo and joined together for other activities such as the Jewish Holidays.

My husband who has very bad ADD or ADHD (he has never been diagnosed as an adult as he refuses to and lives in total denial, but he admits he has one or the other). He does not talk about it at all and this has also been a big part of the downfall to our marriage, not because he has ADD but because he refuses to get the help that he needs, and I feel so sad for him. He has his mother and father do everything for him, literally, including getting a lawyer which took the entire summer and cost me $2000 in lawyer fees (so far) just to chase him… and remind him over and over with his procrastination issues… he cannot hold a job, therefore he cannot provide for his daughter. He has his siblings write up his resume, and look for work for him, while he sits at home all day playing xbox.

While I seriously look for work and have done everything to be amicable with my husband and his family – and we were all summer, all of a sudden last week they turned on me and distanced themselves after hiring a lawyer. They took my baby’s passport away for fear that I would flee the country which anyone who knows me is ridiculous!! I am the most moral person there is and would never do such a thing, and I never gave them reason to think that.

I am still living with my husband, looking for work on a daily basis, I have even written blogs about that… I cannot afford to move out, I applied to common ground but they denied. I have tried so many organisations, but they cannot help, they just want to listen. I don’t get it.

Why can’t anyone help?? Why?? Why am I being punished for my husbands unfaithful behavior? When I wanted to do this amicably, why did they turn on me?

I just want to work hard and provide for my baby girl, why is that so much to ask. I am well educated with an excellent resume. Why can’t people help with living…

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After a very strict (I would say) regimen I went to Manhattan last Friday for a Doctor’s appointment and walked around the city. I decided to to treat myself to a chocolate vanilla cupcake from the one and only Magnolia’s Bakery and it was heavenly! Don’t worry I did not eat the second one, I got it for my husband. I love that I have so much self control and I am able to get so easily back into my healthily way of eating without feeling guilty that I had a delicious cupcake. While I did walk a little more the next day and when I weighed myself on Monday, I was down to 141lbs down another 2lbs. It is all about counting the calories, not obsessively but knowing approximately how many you should eat a day for your healthy weight as well as allowing yourself to have a treat here and there. Lots of fruit and vegetables is a MUST as well as water water water!!! I cannot say this enough.

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Happy Holiday weekend to everyone, no matter what holiday you celebate, or don’t for that matter, as long as you have the weekend off work! As I am Jewish, and traditional, I have been going to a seder for as long as can I remember. The week before is quiet hectic as the cleanup begins, which is basically a good excuse to ‘clean any bread crumbs from around the house’ or a good spring cleaning! Every closet, every corner gets a detox and revamp. You get those moment’s of ‘ahh thats where it was’! Then there is the most complicated and that is the kitchen which is the most important because not only does one have to clean exceptionally well like the rest of the house but it has to be ‘koshered for Passover’…. which involves leaving an oven on for 4 hours, a microwave with boiling water in it for 3 minutes etc etc I won’t go on! It is more the after feeling of freshness that is so wonderful and achieving and beyond special. What is missing? My family!

They are miles and miles away… my mom (originally french)  lives in South Africa with my brothers, I have another brother who lives in Poland with his family and my father is in London. While we talk all the time via Skype, nothing is as special as the memories I have of the passover seder (first and second meal) craziness, yes craziness we have had over the past 33 years of my life with my family.

I have so many memories, none without all my brothers and I bursting into fits of laughter at every single seder, without fail. We had one aim as soon as we sat down to the seder, at that was to get to the meal time as quickly as possible however, my father would do everything he could to slow the process and make it last as long as possible. The one savior, wine!! While there were the four cups of wine that we were sopposed to drink, we must have gone through many many more to survive the seder! There were also the other fun parts like having the bitter herbs and charoseth but it was all the reading and sub-reading and explainations and then the fits of laughter that of course we would continuously get into trouble for, but we could not help it.

Years later we have had family reunions in South Africa, more Seder traditions and not too much has changed other than grand kids for my mother.

While the actual Seder is a whole lot shorter and we seem to get to the meal a little faster, maybe we are getting a little older? The laughter has not stopped, and for that I am so grateful. I no longer sing Ma’nishtana as I was the youngest of the siblings…and there are a lot of neices, nephews and my beautiful daughter.

I hope next year if not in Jerusalem, I’ll at least be with my family!!

Happy Holidays everyone!!



et cetera