myjourney2healthy











{October 19, 2012}   I feel like I am drowning…

I wrote a whole post, and for whatever reason it did not post. I yelled. So loudly. My throat hurts. I feel like everything and everyone is against me and I am slowly drowning. I am being tested and I don’t feel like I am passing. I have been through so much in my life, and I have always been the ‘cup is half full’ person. I am not sure what is happening to me.

If you have been following my journey, you will know that I have done well and have lost weight, I am now down 24lbs…..but today this is not about that.

At the moment for the first time, my divorce is bringing me down.  I even went into my divorce in a positive way beleive it or not, I beleived we could be the ‘modern family’ and be friends. Before the summer, I went to an ice cream parlour with my mother in law and explained that I had gotten a lawyer, however I wanted this divorce to be amicable. Even though my husband had been unfaithful to me since day one, I was not going to make that an issue. I didnt want my daughter to suffer. It was vital, that there was peace, so we agreed and as I discussed this with my husband that day too – we went on to have a summer going to the beach together. It was not easy on me but I did it…we went to the zoo and joined together for other activities such as the Jewish Holidays.

My husband who has very bad ADD or ADHD (he has never been diagnosed as an adult as he refuses to and lives in total denial, but he admits he has one or the other). He does not talk about it at all and this has also been a big part of the downfall to our marriage, not because he has ADD but because he refuses to get the help that he needs, and I feel so sad for him. He has his mother and father do everything for him, literally, including getting a lawyer which took the entire summer and cost me $2000 in lawyer fees (so far) just to chase him… and remind him over and over with his procrastination issues… he cannot hold a job, therefore he cannot provide for his daughter. He has his siblings write up his resume, and look for work for him, while he sits at home all day playing xbox.

While I seriously look for work and have done everything to be amicable with my husband and his family – and we were all summer, all of a sudden last week they turned on me and distanced themselves after hiring a lawyer. They took my baby’s passport away for fear that I would flee the country which anyone who knows me is ridiculous!! I am the most moral person there is and would never do such a thing, and I never gave them reason to think that.

I am still living with my husband, looking for work on a daily basis, I have even written blogs about that… I cannot afford to move out, I applied to common ground but they denied. I have tried so many organisations, but they cannot help, they just want to listen. I don’t get it.

Why can’t anyone help?? Why?? Why am I being punished for my husbands unfaithful behavior? When I wanted to do this amicably, why did they turn on me?

I just want to work hard and provide for my baby girl, why is that so much to ask. I am well educated with an excellent resume. Why can’t people help with living…

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{May 9, 2012}   Out Of The Zone

After having a seizure a week and half ago I was completely ‘out of it’. For those who are not familiar, having a seizure for me personally is not the difficult part because to be honest, I am unconscious and well, you could hit me over the head with a baseball bat and I wouldn’t know the difference! (However if you ever do witness someone having a seizure just turn them to their side and make sure they are in a safe place and don’t ever put anything in their mouth!)

The troublesome part is the recovery. I have found that over the years it gets longer to recover from a seizure. It used to be, that after a seizure I slept for a couple of hours and that was it, I was ready to get on with my day. After a few years it started to take a day or two after a seizure to recover. Now it is taking up to four or five days.

The exact time of the seizure happened in the middle of the night (Friday night) which is actually a first for me since I was diagnosed with Epilepsy in my teens. It was confirmed by my husband. I had my usual symptoms of nausea and extreme tiredness that day. The following week, literally Monday to Friday, I was very ‘lazy’ – I didn’t feel like going out much, I was very lethargic, didn’t feel like cooking, almost a depression, but not having depression, I can’t say it is. I know this will only last a few days and I will snap out of it at the right time.

On Friday, we were invited to friends for a weekend away, I went and got a manicure and pedicure, and spent a lovely weekend away… I was back to myself over the weekend, as I mentioned, I knew I would ‘snap out of it’. However, that feeling of losing yourself during that week is so scary and awful. I am not someone who believes in taking medication just for the sake of it.

So I can only hope and pray that I don’t get them and a cure or at least my medications I do take for them keeps the seizures at bay.



I woke up at about 5am Saturday morning and did not feel myself, I felt rather nauseous. This feeling was familiar but not too recently, not since last December. It was the feeling after a Seizure. Not again, I thought. I can’t deal with this now, not that there is ever a good time, why can’t this just ever go away! It gets me so frustrated sometimes but there is nothing one can do about it. I just have to deal with it. I got Epilepsy when I was an early teenager when in London at just 13 years old. In the very early stages, I was not getting seizures at first, just little ‘shakes’. My parents and brothers thought I was doing it for attention! It was awful… the doctors too.

Weeks after I finally had a ‘Grand Mal’ Seizure, I was almost relieved that I proved them wrong. One Saturday morning, my brother called the ambulance and explained to the paramedics what they had seen. My entire body had been convulsing, shaking, they were terrified. I was unconscious. The doctors said to always leave someone with Epilepsy to have their seizure…always make sure they are safe, turn them on their side but NEVER PUT ANYTHING IN THEIR MOUTH. I recovered quickly and was put on anti seizure medication. The side effect was weight gain, but it kept the seizures at bay.

Unfortunately, here and there I still get some seizures and over the years the medications have changed. The types of seizures have also changed with age and amazingly I was able to still have a baby! She is my miracle baby! She is completely healthy thank Gd!

What was unusual for the seizure I had last Friday night was that it was in the middle of the night and I was not sure I had one, but my husband had confirmed that I did. I still feel a little exhausted from it, and it is Wednesday today. It is very hard for other people to understand what I go through, I don’t really try and explain to anyone else. This is the first time I have actually written about it.

I don’t find many people around me are understanding about it, especially my husband. He does what he needs to do to be helpful. The fact that we are getting divorced does not help…he tells me it is stressful for him and I am sure it is. I guess the fact that he keeps telling me how stressful it is doesn’t make me feel any better!

Do you know anyone who has a seizure disorder?



After a very strict (I would say) regimen I went to Manhattan last Friday for a Doctor’s appointment and walked around the city. I decided to to treat myself to a chocolate vanilla cupcake from the one and only Magnolia’s Bakery and it was heavenly! Don’t worry I did not eat the second one, I got it for my husband. I love that I have so much self control and I am able to get so easily back into my healthily way of eating without feeling guilty that I had a delicious cupcake. While I did walk a little more the next day and when I weighed myself on Monday, I was down to 141lbs down another 2lbs. It is all about counting the calories, not obsessively but knowing approximately how many you should eat a day for your healthy weight as well as allowing yourself to have a treat here and there. Lots of fruit and vegetables is a MUST as well as water water water!!! I cannot say this enough.

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{April 16, 2012}   Gone Too Soon!!

I woke up Sunday to a beautiful blue sky, sun was shining. It was perfect. I had my usual decaf coffee as I wrote my previous blog post ‘fashion fwd!!’ I got my little baby dressed and we headed to visit a very close friend whom considered us ‘family ‘ as we did with him. He had been in the hospital for two weeks as he had Kidney failure however he was on the mend. I thought there was no doubt my little 19 month baby would cheer him up and she did.

When we got to the hospital, immediately I noticed how weak my friend looked, he could not speak without breathing difficulties. They said earlier he had been hyperventilating but it was now under control. After a couple of hours we decided to let him rest, it was for the best. His parents and siblings were there.

Meanwhile, my friends sibling and I went for a nice drive while my little girl had a good little rest in the car and we then had dinner. We then got a call saying that my friend was to be released from the hospital that night! Was that a joke? He could barely move, he was hyperventilating all day, and they were going to let him out? What kind of hospital is this? I’ll tell you which one – Columbia, NYC.

My friend got home, and I quickly said goodbye as I had to get to my home and return the car we had borrowed for the day. I was so happy we had spent the time we did with him, but what happened next was a nightmare I never in a thousand years thought would happened.

As soon as I got home my friend called me and said those words you never want to hear ‘ are you sitting?’ You know something terrible will always follow, I asked ‘what happened?’ ‘My brother got home, and he started to hyperventilate again, but this time it was just too bad and something must have happened, and they (ambulance) can’t resuscitate him. He passed away’. I didn’t beleive him at first, we just spent our day there. I spent 8 years of my life living in his home. He can’t just go. My friend, who just lost his brother wanted to make sure I was alright as I have epilepsy and didn’t want to trigure a seizure ( which can be enduced with stress but I was alright thank Gd).

I quickly went to hug my baby even though it was 10pm, ‘I love you so much my little baby’. I haven’t stopped hugging her today.

When I spoke to my friend when he was in the hospital he told me he had gotten me a gift for my birthday, my birthday is not until September, he was such a good hearted person always thinking of others. He would spontaneously give gifts even if it was not someone’s birthday because that is just who he was, generous and a great person.

We should all aim to be as kind hearted to our friends, neighbours and family. We should live everyday to its fullest, because of obvious reasons.

RIP my dearest friend!!



Happy Holiday weekend to everyone, no matter what holiday you celebate, or don’t for that matter, as long as you have the weekend off work! As I am Jewish, and traditional, I have been going to a seder for as long as can I remember. The week before is quiet hectic as the cleanup begins, which is basically a good excuse to ‘clean any bread crumbs from around the house’ or a good spring cleaning! Every closet, every corner gets a detox and revamp. You get those moment’s of ‘ahh thats where it was’! Then there is the most complicated and that is the kitchen which is the most important because not only does one have to clean exceptionally well like the rest of the house but it has to be ‘koshered for Passover’…. which involves leaving an oven on for 4 hours, a microwave with boiling water in it for 3 minutes etc etc I won’t go on! It is more the after feeling of freshness that is so wonderful and achieving and beyond special. What is missing? My family!

They are miles and miles away… my mom (originally french)  lives in South Africa with my brothers, I have another brother who lives in Poland with his family and my father is in London. While we talk all the time via Skype, nothing is as special as the memories I have of the passover seder (first and second meal) craziness, yes craziness we have had over the past 33 years of my life with my family.

I have so many memories, none without all my brothers and I bursting into fits of laughter at every single seder, without fail. We had one aim as soon as we sat down to the seder, at that was to get to the meal time as quickly as possible however, my father would do everything he could to slow the process and make it last as long as possible. The one savior, wine!! While there were the four cups of wine that we were sopposed to drink, we must have gone through many many more to survive the seder! There were also the other fun parts like having the bitter herbs and charoseth but it was all the reading and sub-reading and explainations and then the fits of laughter that of course we would continuously get into trouble for, but we could not help it.

Years later we have had family reunions in South Africa, more Seder traditions and not too much has changed other than grand kids for my mother.

While the actual Seder is a whole lot shorter and we seem to get to the meal a little faster, maybe we are getting a little older? The laughter has not stopped, and for that I am so grateful. I no longer sing Ma’nishtana as I was the youngest of the siblings…and there are a lot of neices, nephews and my beautiful daughter.

I hope next year if not in Jerusalem, I’ll at least be with my family!!

Happy Holidays everyone!!



{April 3, 2012}   Goodmorning All…

Goodmorning All,

Although I feel slightly stressed this morning I always like to try and start on a positive note and still try and find the best out of every situation because my philosophy is and as I grow ‘older..’ is that everything does truly happen for a reason.

Growing up with three older and as they will claim, ‘wiser’ brothers, they of course know best! After all I am just the baby sister who has continuously made mistakes throughout my life, whether they are financial decisions, relationship mishaps, or my body image!  While they have always said to me, “you have so much to offer, I am not sure why you waste your life away..” Did I choose to get into debt when I was younger? When I was attracted to all that “free money” with high APR’s when I was so clueless at 18 to what those 3 big evil letters even meant! While at the same time I did work hard, but sadly every penny went to payments rather than savings. What a waste. My brother would have a field day with ‘what were you thinking…?? How could you?’ Of course he meant well, to protect his baby sister, to love. Going back a few years to when I was a whole lot younger, when I was a teen, my parents were divorced, my father

did not take on too much responsibility as he should have. Looking back now, I don’t think he knew how. He didn’t have a degree, and had odd jobs, so no real income. My mother looked after her four children really hard and did everything she could from morning to night.  I learned all my ethics and morals from  my dear mother and my grandmother who is everything to me, however one thing my father was good at and that was business PR and I beleive I picked that up from him. Aside from that he has always been in our lives but not a figure in our lives as he never led by example, at least not a good example! This certainly presented many obstacles and life lessons for me personaly which is where my brothers would step in as the father figure, being 5, 8 and 10 years my senior.

As for my relationships past and present, I have not had many, but my current, my marriage will be a post of it’s own! It deserves it. It has had its beautiful moments, rather then reflecting only on the negatives. Sadly it will be coming to an end soon, I still live with my husband, we have the most beautiful little girl in the world to us. She is the happiest little girl, she made everyone’s heart smile when she was born, and she continues to do so with her huge heart today. She is only 19 months, but just going to the supermarket she will make sure to say hello to everyone by blowing kisses. She will make an angry man, smile.

When I met my husband we rushed into our marriage, after just three months we were engaged and a year later married. We moved in and it was just a total disaster. There were terrible moments and good moments, those good moments were when I got pregnant.  I then discovered my husband was being unfaithful, when I was pregnant with my baby. After confronting my husband, he begged me to give him another chance and he would do whatever it would take ‘to make it work’. However, he did not do a thing to make the marriage work, we went to therapy, I had found out that he had been cheating on me since day one of the marriage and I had been the fool. It was all a lie. He just wanted someone to take back to his well to do family. If you had met my husband, you would have been shocked. He is the nicest boy next door, the last guy to expect to do this. I guess they always are. I repated what my mother did, shocker! We swear we never will.

My brothers were upset and were on to me. It wasn’t what can we do to help? Rather



et cetera