myjourney2healthy











{April 3, 2012}   Bullied for Love

Good morning All,

Although I feel slightly stressed this morning I always like to try and start on a positive note and still try and find the best out of every situation because my philosophy is as I move on that everything does truly happen for a reason.

Growing up with three older and as they will claim, ‘wiser’ brothers, they of course know best! After all I am just the baby sister who has continuously made mistakes throughout my life, whether they are financial decisions, relationship mishaps, or my body image!  While they have always said to me, “you have so much to offer, I am not sure why you waste your life away..” Did I choose to get into debt when I was younger? When I was attracted to all that “free money” with high APR’s when I was so clueless at 18 to what those 3 big evil letters even meant! While at the same time I did work hard, but sadly every penny went to payments rather than savings. What a waste. My brother would have a field day with ‘what were you thinking…?? How could you?’ Of course he meant well, to protect his baby sister, to love. Going back a few years to when I was a whole lot younger, when I was a teen, my parents were divorced, my father

did not take on too much responsibility as he should have. Looking back now, I don’t think he knew how. He didn’t have a degree, and had odd jobs, so no real income. My mother looked after her four children really hard and did everything she could from morning to night.  I learned all my ethics and morals from  my dear mother and my grandmother who is everything to me, however one thing my father was good at and that was business PR and I believe I picked that up from him. Aside from that he has always been in our lives but not a figure in our lives as he never led by example, at least not a good example! This certainly presented many obstacles and life lessons for me personaly which is where my brothers would step in as the father figure, being 5, 8 and 10 years my senior.

As for my relationships past and present, I have not had many, but my current, my marriage will be a post of it’s own! It deserves it. It has had its beautiful moments, rather then reflecting only on the negatives. Sadly it will be coming to an end soon, I still live with my husband, we have the most beautiful little girl in the world to us. She is the happiest little girl, she made everyone’s heart smile when she was born, and she continues to do so with her huge heart today. She is only 19 months, but just going to the supermarket she will make sure to say hello to everyone by blowing kisses. She will make an angry man, smile.

When I met my husband we rushed into our marriage, after just three months we were engaged and a year later married. We moved in and it was just a total disaster. There were terrible moments and good moments, those good moments were when I got pregnant.  I then discovered my husband was being unfaithful, when I was pregnant with my baby. After confronting my husband, he begged me to give him another chance and he would do whatever it would take ‘to make it work’. However, he did not do a thing to make the marriage work, we went to therapy, I had found out that he had been cheating on me since day one of the marriage and I had been the fool. It was all a lie. He just wanted someone to take back to his well to do family. If you had met my husband, you would have been shocked. He is the nicest boy next door, the last guy to expect to do this. I guess they always are. I repeated what my mother did, shocker! We swear we never will.

My brothers were upset and were on to me. It wasn’t what can we do to help? Rather how can I get out of this mess and they were right, no arguing there! It was like being in a pressure cooker. If you have ever watched Gordan Ramsey, that is what my brother is like. Brutally honest, he says it like it is, get on with it, but with love. It hurts, but you do know it is the truth. I am ultra sensitive. Salt on the wound…and then you have three on top of it, thank Gd for my amazing mother, kind of! While she is the world to all of us, that is a story also for another post, because it takes all four of us to take care of her, sadly. Another stress.

Last week I was Skyping my brother, when he said to me, ‘you need to get out of your prison and change the route your on as it is obviously not working for you’. While I have not left my husband yet for financial reasons (we are both unemployed, I am currently looking for work as he claims he is). I am the only one who ever goes to interviews, although not successful just yet, I have another one tomorrow, wish me luck! My brother has the happy life, two children, a great wife, own es two great businesses, and it comes so easyily to him to offer such advice. He suggested I move in with a friend, my friends live in tiny little places and have no room, he needs a reality check and while he is not selfish because his money goes to his childrens education and my mother at the end of the day, he means so well. I just wish he wouldn’t be such a bully to me, even though I know he loves me so.

At just 13 I started having little shakes / tremors, everyone from school teachers to my parents, to my siblings thought I was doing this for attention. One Saturday morning I finally, yes finally had a Grand Mal Seizure. I say finally because I could prove everyone wrong. I had Epilepsy. After several weeks they found a medication that would control my seizures, Tegretol. I hated this medication because I put on so much weight, but it did stop these seizures, so I had no choice and I had to take it. These were the years I was still finding myself, not that I ever found myself, I am still trying to find myself at 33! Do we ever really find our self? Putting on weight during our teenage years certainly didn’t help and because of medication, because it increased my appetite, that was not fair! I hated sports at school. Of course my brothers, who were top athletes, doing triathlons just made me eat more! In fact I loved pasta, my mother made it so well. I would run to the corner store and buy lots of chocolate bars, ice cream after school, I still had my vegetables with my meals, what did I know. There wasn’t much on T.V as there is now about food or maybe because I am ‘older’ I am just more alert to it? My brothers were at University at that point and when ever they saw me they would say, ‘you should really do some exercise’ or ‘be careful of your weight’. My weight was always an issue, but it was never my fault I felt. What did I know? It was always the fault of the medication… I loved food, it made everything better. Even though I continued for years after to blame the medication. It would affect my relationships, I was not even aware, but obviously I was not moving on…so eventually I said enough was enough. I was 180lbs I went to the gym for the first time in my life and worked really hard at eating healthy and learning about what was healthy, I lost weight and went down to 120lbs. I am also 4″11 so I still had a little to go…. that was about the time I started to date and eventually met my husband…I should have dated more and enjoyed more but at 27 seeing all my friends getting married and having children I was scared…and quickly settled. My first big lesson, never ever rush love. I was so in love, I was so confident in the way I felt with my body, I felt I could have anyone and I ended up hurting myself. However, I have a beautiful little girl out of this marriage, and I have learned so much. You can never force love, it has to be mutual. They have to love you whatever which way you are, when you are thin, when you are overweight, right now, the amount of times my husband has said to me I have to go and work out and lose weight is an absolute nightmare! While I don’t care about that as I intend to leave him, it just makes me realise how much one has to accept your future love, no matter what they look like!!! It is on the inside that really counts. As for my debt, that was one of the best things that could of happened to me, I paid it off, I have learned all about money and now I can teach my little girl what NOT to do, I can save for her as soon as I have money. I look forward to working again, so I can be independent and provide for my little girl and send money to my mom and treat myself.

Leaving my husband without the pressure of other people telling me to do so will be the best thing. Most people do not know about our troubles, other then immediate family on my side. It will be a shock to most. Most likely most people will never know he cheated either… but I believe once again, everything happens for a reason!

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